Parents Of Suicide
Writings Library

Linda Sabado
May 12, 2000

Victrina Belinda Sabado
Dec. 2, 1970 - May 23, 1999

Vici was born on Dec. 2, 1979. She was my middle child, I later called her my little wild child. She danced to a different drummer her whole life.

She never did any thing the easy way and her birth was no exception. They gave me an epidural and within 5 min. I couldn't move and I passed out. When I came to there where DR. s and Nurses everywhere. The anesthesia had stopped my labor and put Vici to sleep so they had to reinduce the labor. When she was born a few hours later they had to use forceps on her. I was still pretty groggy, but I could hear the nurse keep saying "she's not breathing" over and over. I was trying to sit up so I could see what was going on, but I couldn't see, The Doctor was telling her to shut up. They didn't tell me anything about what was going on. They wouldn't let me see her for 24 hours. I was only 19 at the time and didn't know how to question the Doctors decisions.

They finally brought her to me and I couldn't believe she was my child. She didn't look anything like my other daughter did when she was born. Chrissy was only 5 lbs. 13 oz. and 18 in. long so she had a nice little round head and pretty color. When I pulled back the blanket from Vici I thought 'Oh no what happened?' Her head was literally pointed and her color was all splotchy. Her eye's where huge, but the topper was the jet-black hair that stuck straight out. She was the funniest looking little thing.

After her head smoothed out and her color got better she wasn't quite so gooney. She still had those huge eye's, like those paintings of the little kids with the big eyes. Her little head would bob around like the dogs in the back of the car. It sounds like I really didn't like her. You couldn't not love her. She was the happiest little baby. She would be smiling even before she got her eyes open. Her smile just lit up her whole face. She was always giggling and laughing. It never took much to keep her happy.

When she was about a year old I put this goofy little baby to bed one night and a beautiful little princess woke up. I put my favorite baby picture of her on the Index to our Children site. By now she had grown into her eyes. They where incredible blue eyes. They where sky blue. Everytime I looked at her I marveled over how blue they where. Her hair had turned blonde and curly, and she still had a smile that lit up the room.

As she became older it wasn't hard to see that you where always going to have to stay one step ahead of her. She always had plan A and plan B. Always scheming to do something she knew she shouldn't do but wanted to anyway. You could never stay mad at her for long. She'd flash that smile and those baby blues and you could forgive her anything. I used to say "if only she'd use her powers for good she could do anything." One time when she was about 4 years old her dad called me and told me I had to something about her. I asked him what she did and he said he had to pay her to get her to eat her dinner. He was always such a pushover for her.

She had her first seizure when she was 4 years old. I always wondered if it was due to her traumatic birth. By know I'm sure it did. I wonder too if it contributed to the problems she had in later years.

I noticed a change in her when she was about 12. At the time I just chalked it up to her being a teenager. Over the years her behavior became more erratic and hostile. I tried to assure her that it was the behavior that was the problem, I would never stop loving her no matter what she did. I don't know if she ever really believed that. At the same time she would be so sweet and loving and considerate always looking out for the underdog. She would go out of her way to help anyone. Until you told her No, then this ugly nasty stranger would appear.

I arranged counciling for us, but whenever it was time to go she would always run away. She would run between my house and her fathers. Her behavior got more and more out of control. The more we tried to help the more she would run. She always said there was nothing wrong with her, we where the crazy ones.

She finally left home and we didn't know where she was for 5 years. Her dad is a cop so he was able to track her down in Nebraska and Kansas, but we could never get an address because she moved around so much. It was horrible not knowing how she was or what she was doing. I just kept believing that one day she would call me or send me a letter. Finally in 1995 I got a letter from her. I can't tell you how happy I was that day. She sounded so up and happy. She said she had been in counciling and was finally getting her life together. She had a steady job and was supporting herself.

It was then she told me that she had been molested when she was about 9 by a baby-sitter. I cried so hard, I couldn't believe I had let her down. It explained so much about the changes that started soon after. We talked about that and other things that had happened when she was growing up and made plans for her to come home for Christmas.

It was the best Christmas I've ever had. I was so happy to have her back. It was so hard to take her back to the airport, But she promised to always let me know where she was and we made plans for her to meet us at Disneyland that summer. That was the best Vacation. 2 of my sisters and their families and my other 3 kids and Vici and her boyfriend spent a week in southern Calif. and Las Vegas. We had a ball. These are memories that I treasure.

Then in 1997 she called and told me she had ovarian cancer, and wanted to come home for the surgery. I bought her a ticket and made arrangements for a Doctor to see her even though she didn't have insurance. I told her about the ticket, but she never picked it up. I was so worried. She wouldn't return my phone calls and I thought Oh NO here we go again. A few weeks later I got a call from her. Her and her boyfriend where driving out and ran out of money in Montana. I wired her some money and she showed up in a couple of days.

After about a week her behavior was out of control again. She picked a fight with her boyfriend and got in the car and left. She left me with a stranger who had nothing but the clothes on his back. I was so mad at her. 3 days later she shows up and is yelling at me that he is here. I pointed out that I wasn't the one who brought him and left him, but that only made her more irrational. She left again. I took her boyfriend to the bus station and sent him back to Kansas the next day.

I still didn't know where Vici was or what was going on with her until about a month later when I heard through the Nurses grapevine that she had had the surgery and it turned out to be a cyst not cancer. I was so thankful she was OK. She would touch base with her dad and her grandma so I knew she was still around.

One night in the middle of he night I got a call from her to please come bail her out. She had been picked up for driving without a license. Not the first time this had happened apparently. By this time I never knew when she was telling the truth, but I went down and picked her up, and she promised me that she would go to her hearing. I knew something was wrong but I never thought she was Bipolar, I just thought she was running away from her problems. She never admitted to it either.

It wasn't long before she was up to her old behavior. Taking off for days at a time, bringing people back to my house to stay because they had no place else to go. Then she started sneaking into my house when I wasn't home. By this time she was living with a friend and was house arrest with an ankle bracelet. I started noticing that things where missing. Nothing big, just little things you wouldn't notice until you went to use it. She called me a few days later to tell me she was in jail for a year because they caught her out driving around with her ankle bracelet on so now she was considered an escapee. A few days later I found $2000 worth of jewelry missing and about $1000 of charges on my Visa card. When I confronted her about it she got mad, complained that I always blamed her for everything and hung up.

I would not take her collect calls after that. She kept in touch with my mother though. Just before she got out she wrote to me and apologized and said she loved me. I again told her I loved her, but not the behavior. She started having seizures again just before she got out. She was released in Jan. 1999.

She came to stay with me for the weekend in Feb. She was her old sweet self. Her and her boyfriend where going to get married. She was seeing a psychiatrist who was treating her Bipolar disease, which she finally admitted to. She was taking her medications and was receiving disability. They had found an apartment, her boyfriend was working and things where looking good in her life. We had a very good time together. Sat up all night watching movies. Talking eating Ice Cream out of the carton. It was like a slumber party.

Her boyfriend was picked up on a minor charge about a week later and he was going to be in jail for 6 mo. This threw her off again. She tried to hold on. I kept encouraging her and took her to her appointments and told her how important it was for her to keep taking her meds. She kept slipping away until I couldn't find her again. Her dad said she had called him and she seemed OK. One night in March she came into my house in the middle of the night 3 different times. She was rummaging around in my kitchen. When I asked what she was doing she said she was looking for pans because she didn't have any, then she said she was looking for a phone number. She was acting so strange. Of course now I know she was entering a manic phase.

We talked for a while and I tried to get her to stay and stressed that she could not stop taking her medicine, She had to take it. She wouldn't stay. She gave me a kiss, told me she loved me and left. This is the last time I saw her alive. About a week later I discovered that she had emptied out my bank account. A few weeks later my Mom told me she had been picked up driving again and was back in Jail. This was April 8. On May 12, a Detective called and was asking me if she had ever dated or talked about one of the guards from the jail. He would never tell me why he was asking. Later that same evening I came home from picking my son up and the chaplain from the jail was there waiting for me. My world changed forever when she said "Your daughter hung herself".

When I got to the hospital another detective was there and he told us about the rape by the guard. She had also cut her wrist with a razor. It was one bombshell after another. She was in a coma on life support in ICU. After they got her settled I was able to go in and see her. I couldn't believe it was happening. Since I'm an ICU Nurse I found it very strange to be on the other side and hear the words that I had spoken so many times. When I walked in the room and saw her I remember saying "Oh baby girl, what have you done" She looked so peaceful. She had finally stopped running. I knew then she would never come out of the coma and I couldn't leave her like that. She would have hated it. She died for me that day.

We lived at the hospital for 5 days. We took her off life support on the 3rd day and made arrangements to bring her home. Her dad and stepmom parked their RV in my backyard so they could be close to her too.

She died on May 23, 1999. It was a warm sunny Sunday evening. I held her in my arms as she died. She was surrounded by her family and love. It was the worst day of my life. I will never again see those incredible blue eyes and sunny smile, but I know she is at peace now and not hurting anymore. I would give her everything I own to have her back with me. I am forever changed and don't know how to survive this unbearable sadness.

I hope she knew how much I loved her.

Written by:
Linda Sabado
Vici's Mom